ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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