i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Randomize
