how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
