Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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