i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
She made me pour olive oil on her.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
