I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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