hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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