Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
