I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
