it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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