if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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