I just saw a hot homeless man
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Randomize
