Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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