i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
