even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
