Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
