Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
