i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
