Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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