she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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