just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Randomize
