I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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