I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
