you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
