Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
