the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
