Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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