awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
vagina is talking i cant
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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