just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
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