checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Randomize
