i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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