I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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