those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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