i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
