I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
