I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
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