Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
