she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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