pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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