clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
