i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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