feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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