I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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