there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
where are my pants?
in the oven.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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