If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
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