you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
