he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
