at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
