I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
