I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
