You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
