just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
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