last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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