I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize