How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Randomize
