Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
