What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
