Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
