# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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