I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
