I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
