I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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