Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
